Identity of Self in the Family.

2) Identity of Self in the Family

Parents are our first teachers. Family will instill values, provide a sense of security and is a key to success to a child. Therefore, family is very important to the development of a child. 

Hence, it is important to have a relationship in the family. There are many types of relationship in a family. 

• Hubby and Wife relationship

• Parent - Child relationship

• Relationship between the siblings.

• Relationship as a family. 

Each relationship affects the family as a whole and therefore, it is essential to build a strong bond.

Husband and Wife relationship

Being myself

To be in a healthy relationship, one needs to have time to himself/herself. Many a times after we have become parents, we are so consumed by our role that we forget to be ourselves and do what we love to do. Of course, we cannot do it at the expense of our children. It’s important for me to have my “me-time” where I go hang out with our friends, go partying and do what I like to do or used to do. My hubby and I have an understanding that it is important for us to develop individually while still being the spouse or parent we are to be. We believe that our individual identity, happiness and satisfaction will lead to a more fulfilling family life. These regular “me-time” breaks, away from the children, away from my role as a mother and be myself makes me a better mom as it helps me bring back new experiences and a livelier me.

Being his Wife: " Couple Time

My husband and I still goes on frequent dates even after having children. We usually plan far ahead of a date and would leave the children with our parents (who are always more than happy to have them). Many relationship breaks down eventually because couples take each other for granted and they forget what it is like to be in love. Knowing each other's love languages is also important. 

Also, when we go out on dates, we talk about anything under the sun (like we used to when we were dating in the past) and do not talk about kids. On some normal days, after all the kids are asleep, we will stay up till 2am to just talk (about anything). Hence, we really put aside time for each other.

Surprisingly, the kids can sense how well the relationship is going. Natalie is always asking "Daddy, why do you love Mummy so much?". Personally, a healthy husband and wife relationship is an example for our children to follow in the future. They will look and learn how we behave as husband and wife and will learn to expect the same from their spouses in the future. 

The kids looking through our wedding album.

Parent - Child relationship

Spending Quality Time 

Nothing can replace quality time with a child. Nowadays, there are many articles out there talking about how parents are there with their children but not present at all. They are either looking at their handphones or doing their work. It is sad because being there physically does not mean that a relationship is build. We have to make an effort to build the relationship. 

Therefore, to build a positive relationship, I engage in many activities with my children. We play together, do art and craft, embark on cooking adventures and we read and learn together. 

Being a firm parent whose responsibility is to teach the child. 

I love my children, that is why I have to teach them well. 

Parenting is never easy. Hence, when the child makes a mistake, I have to firm in letting the child knows that it is unacceptable and not to do that again. I have 2 approach in teaching the children. The first is restorative practice and the second is using the Rod. 

I use my tone of voice as a signal to the kids that "I mean what I say". According to research, a low voice is the most effective when disciplining a child. 

Explaining to a child what he/she has done wrong and the rationale behind why it is wrong is important. Emphasize what should be done at the end. For example, " You should not play with matches because you might start a fire and hurt yourself. Mummy doesn't want you to get burnt and be in pain. So, do not play with matches." 

Understanding your child.

Knowing the love language of your children is very important. You need to show them the love that they understand. Don't love them the way you want to, love them the way they want you to. This way, they will understand your love better.

Understanding your child's learning style to help him/her to learn. 

Being aware of what you want the child to learn will help your child develop better. 

Relationship between the siblings.

Building a positive relationship between siblings by encouraging team work. 

This is an example of an activity to encourage team work. 

 I gave them 20 straws and ask them to build the tallest standing structure possible and they both worked very hard to make it stand.

They fought over many little things and Natalie kept insisting that her brother was more of a hindrance than help, but later, when she realised that she can't do it alone, she started including her brother more and gave him simply task like "hold this here and don't move". So this task forces them to work together. 

Sibling Rivalry 

Your sibling is looking out for you.

Sibling rivalry almost non existent among my kids because they see each each other companion rather than competitor. As parents, it's important to shape the mentality of our children. 

For example, 

My hubby was at the playground with the kids and Emmanuel went beyond the boundary by climbing dangerously where he is not suppose to. Natalie observed his actions for some time and reported to daddy regarding the dangerous act. Daddy then went over to stop Emmanuel and ask him if he understands why his sister had to tell Daddy about his dangerous act. Of course, Emmanuel said he understood that his sister didn't want him to get hurt. Daddy then reinforced the idea that his sibling is looking out for him. 

In such an example, the brother could have thought that the sister was sabo-ing( deliberately telling on )him. So it's important to bring the children through the process so as to avoid misunderstanding. 

                                                     Relationship as a family

Other than getting to know each other better through circle time , we also spend time doing things together. For example, we wanted to explore playgrounds together as a family once a week. Our weekly adventure of exploring playgrounds became an allocated family exercise and bonding time. Moreover, the kids learn social, leadership skills and values as well. 

Spending time and doing things together will help build strong family ties. While doing activities together, we also get to know each other better.